I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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