Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
