it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?