Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?