FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
