I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
