if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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