Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
