Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
