I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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