I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
