roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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