wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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