it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
