drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
