youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
