dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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