So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
