I can text with my tongue
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
