The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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