you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize