I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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