just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.