BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'