Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
