I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
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I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again