It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
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She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.