I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!