Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
