it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
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once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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