every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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