If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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