I want to stick my p in your. b.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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