every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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