We won't sleep together?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
