Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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