and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
