dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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