Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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