I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
