My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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