im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.