just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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