I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?