I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo