You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I would ride that face into the sunset
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.