I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush