I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
