I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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