FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
