I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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