Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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