Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
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We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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