The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
