WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You can't just leave with hair like that
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
