when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.