ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
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Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
How's your threesome situation going?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!